The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
