i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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