Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
