I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
