I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.