Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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