Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
