I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
