if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
