yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I need a hoe opinion
go on
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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