How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
