im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you didnt know i had herpes?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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