I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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