I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
