I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
