either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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