i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
