wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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