All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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