Umm I'm too high to move.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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