Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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