He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
