in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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