So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
