I will die if light touches me.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
