I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
