hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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