'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
