we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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