Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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