I just pynch a tree in the face
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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