My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
