Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
