I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
