i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
