We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
