im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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