when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
