Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever