soooo we both peed the bed last night...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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