You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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