My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.