Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
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The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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