my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
