I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
