It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
