On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
