I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
