Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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