she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
