awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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