So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
