I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
