there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
