I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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