My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
