im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
