im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
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I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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