Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
