I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
