Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
